The Big M
Waking up with pains and blood in my knickers just before hubby leaves for work is not what you want to happen any morning, do I tell him? Will it panic him? and I realise I have to this isn't about him its about my baby & me.I tell him what I fear is happening, he rings the drs they have no space, so we go straight to A&E and we sit there waiting.The room feels so small and time stands still. It feels like everyone's watching me, I Slowly walk up to the receptionist with everyone's eyes on my back and admit to her that I think I'm having a miscarriage & losing my baby,I start crying and can’t stop.
I had only known for a short time that I was pregnant but had been trying for a while , it's kind of crazy the second time around how you feel pregnant straight away and do all the correct things like stop eating pate, no jacuzzis and no heavy lifting.I had found out just before I went away for a retreat in Essex and so I felt super ready for this pregnancy very zen & relaxed & ready to take on the pregnancy with both hands, then Monday hit sitting in A&E with the Dr, he requested a urine sample I have never wanted to curl up in to a ball so much,handing over a cardboard bowl with blood covered wee I bust out crying.The Dr didn't even say anything he just said wait outside , I sat crying with my husband (him in shock & not knowing what to do or say)They must see such horrendous things all day long that this is nothing to him.We wait outside and then are called again to go into the early pregnancy unit, sitting next to a newly happy mum to be I try not to make her feel uncomfortable as I have clearly been crying & im sure she can put 2 and 2together.The nurse offers me some tea and then heads in to the room hubby and I follow , she draws a diagram and explains but I don't listen or remember , she gives me some wet wipes and a towel to cover my dignity then asks me to pop up on to the seat, this is where I feel totally uncomfortable and start making jokes about how it will be easier to do a inspection this time because I've had a baby already (no body laughs ,& im now shaking)The worst is confirmed when a blank screen shows and I burst in to floods of tears.They leave me to sort myself out.After this I'm put in a little room just with my husband that's cold blue and freezing with posters on the wall on how to cope with miscarriage.The hardest thing is I don't feel like I deserve to be in here I hadn't known that long and I felt like I shouldn't be upset but I was.
It's a week later now and One of the hardest things is that everyone keeps saying how common it is & that they are so sorry.I totally know that but it doesn't make this little hole inside feel any smaller i decide to go to a shop to grab some bits for savannah and seeing the baby bits just makes me leave and cry in the car,this has been so hard but I still feel so bad as I don't feel I deserve the right to be this upset about it as so many others go through so much more.The one thing i know i will never say to someone going through it is,atleast you already have one!
I wanted to write this to acknowledge that it happened & hopefully it will help me get my head around it.