Sitting in the bar whilst I try and plan my very first mummy event, looking around & my brain is inundated with dreamy ideas.
Why not have men covered in glitter? pouring champagne,food vans with delish delights,
Drag queens joking & laughing, Gatsby style champagne tiers, burlesque dancers hanging from the sky. Then all of a sudden the sting hits me in my stomach, that dreaded burden that makes me stop anything I start. Then follows my brain going into panic, what if nobody comes what if the dancers injure themselves, what if the music is rubbish but the worst one of all is what if the mummies don’t enjoy it!
This is what happens regularly in my life, I have such amazing ideas going on in my head & then suddenly I choose to stop them going any further because of that horrid little thing called anxiety [even when I write the word I hate it!]Talking to my therapist this week I realised that this is a very regular pattern in my life, trying to change me & reinvent myself to suit others, stopping any plans because I dont want to let others down or look silly. This time its different this time I’m putting myself out there for all to see & I’m going to make it work even if all the above happens. I need to do this for me and for my family to know that anxiety isnt going tot get the better of me.I will not let it rule me anymore!I think this happens to a lot of women they have a child they put there children first and forget about their identity.
When I launched the event I didn’t sleep for the night before and felt physically sick with worry but now looking back on it I know unless you challenge yourself its not worth doing. I feel that since i have been blogging and doing Instagram there are a lot of mummies and women out there that have these feelings.Hopefully me launching these events will get some of us together to meet and drink & dance,[mummy style] even if 10 people show up I know that I have achieved something positive for me.
I believe after having Savannah I kind of lost myself & i know now that it is important to make me time ![this took me 6 sessions with a therapist to figure out I’m obviously a genius!]I have been trying to make myself do things I used to do before Savannah & before my anxiety got so bad,which i have found really challenging & hard.Going out of your comfort zone & meeting new people,going on trains/tubes, going to the shops with out Savannah & generally pushing myself to be who I used to be. I think when you have a child it becomes your whole word & your wants & needs take a back seat [which is a good thing but not to the extent you don’t remember who you are]Every day becomes trying to remember to dress the baby,feed,change, shop for baby and even your loo time becomes them sitting on your knee whilst you have a poop! Now I’m not wanting anyone to feel sorry for me,I just think there are a lot of us out there that need some support & just for someone to say how are you doing & actually mean it & listen!
So over the last few months I have made myself go out meet people have that extra cheeky rum that I wouldn’t have had before & have danced like a nutter to some awful music and do you know what it has felt so so so good!I am finally starting to feel like me and enjoy life to the full without that horrid grey cloud making me feel I shouldn’t. Mums need to sit back more often & have a cheeky smile at what they have achieved as it go’s so fast.
I believe that all these events that are going on at the moment are brilliant & are bringing women out of there homes & in to little women tribes, which is a beautiful thing. So for the moment I will make that mummy guilt [leaving Savannah with anyone even my husband makes me feel guilty, like I’m letting her down]go away,&” & I’m going to carry on testing my anxiety & start enjoying meeting new mummies & powerful women [with lots of rum!]
Come and join the tribe whoop whoop !!
The Savvy Mummy xxx